Saturday, August 1, 2015

When Feminism makes NO SENSE !

Two or three months back I came across an image on Womens' era facebook page which read like below. I forgot to save the actual image and as I am unable to search the source image, I made one myself with the content I saw which was questionable at many levels!

 When feminism is given a miserable twist, it gives rise to thoughts like above. I understand this is directed at men who think of themselves as superior and who think they do all favors for women, but many mad women take this as a chance to bash their men for no reason. I want to analyze each and every element of this image which was shared by someone whom I know too very well and who doesn't deserve to share this image at all. This post may seem like a personal rant but I want to talk by and large to a greater mass of people! 

Let us start with the first line of the image - A lot of men act like they are doing a woman a favor by asking for her hand---I don't deny the fact that we have misogynistic men around us who think they can control past present and future of their and even others' women! But saying that A LOT of men think like that is an absolute blunder. If a lot of men thought like that, on the present day we won't have majority of working women around us whose husbands encourage them to do it and many I know, share the household duties with wife. If they can't cook they atleast try helping by cutting veggies or by being part of other household activities! If a lot of men thought like that there will be no happiness left in the total arranged (or) love marriage scenario. If a lot of men thought like that there won't be a lot of women who happily breathe the air of freedom after marriage at least among your friends and families (keep aside the stray cases here) ! I always feel such messages give rise to more men who think or want to act like that, who actually were not like that earlier.

She changes her name, changes her home, leaves her family, moves in with you, builds a home with you, --- now this is the only part of the message with which I didn’t have much issue! Thank God the words with you are used here which highlights a sense of togetherness when compared to the rest of the message. Yes, she does change her name, home, family and moves in with husband but between the lines it is reading as – She is doing all this just for his sake. I don’t deny the fact that some people get married irrespective of their wishes, some can stick to the marriage and some walk out of it. Some have badass husbands, who make the wife’s life hell but some also have devilish wives who ruin the husband’s relations with everyone else. Keeping aside the bad / good or arranged/ love marriage scenario aside, when a girl changes her name does she recollect that she acquired her dad’s name?  I am not saying it is A MUST TO CHANGE initials. How many of you change your name in passports, other  id proofs, offices or anywhere else post marriage? Everywhere the girl is addressed by her maternal name. Very less people actually change the name after wedding. Officially she is the same and it all depends on your choice, whether or not you want to embed husband’s initials to your name. Why is every sentence in this image written to sound like the girl’s life is pathetic and burdened?  She ofcourse undergoes a major transition. Who doesn’t? It is not a cake walk for a boy who becomes a husband. I have seen and heard stories of men who have broken ties with their parents/ siblings just to keep their wives satisfied and happy. They continue the marriage which has too many potholes and bumps just for the sake of the society and they also tolerate and take shit from her every day just like she does in a scenario where husband has all these qualities!

"gets pregnant for you, pregnancy changes her body, she gets fat, almost gives up in the labor room due to the unbearable pains of child birth,even the kids she delivers bear your name."

The above line is wrong at so many levels. Is pregnancy a task , a project which has to fulfilled for a certain client, who is husband in this case ? How can some one get pregnant for some one else? It is a mutual decision and should be taken up only when both have a consensus on having a baby ! It is not like, a mother scarifies for the father by bearing a baby. If she is bearing a baby only for the man then the child is the property which only he owns. I am sure this holds totally wrong if it is targeted at a phylogynistic  (non-misogynistic) person. No one will deny the pain a woman goes through in the labor room or the health issues she has to face through out her life. A mother obviously is the most important person in every one's life!  A father even if  he doesn't carry the baby in the womb, is equally attached to the kid. His emotional attachment is even unique as he doesn't have any umbilical cord connection with a kid. It is not like he Vs her here. They both have created a baby and no one is doing any one a favor. If any of them feels it is a favor then he/she clearly doesn't deserve to be a parent.

How many of you are happy / sad or neutral about getting your name from your father? If daddy is a superhero to a girl and if she is feeling proud about the traits and name she got from her father and still feels her kid bearing her husbands' name is not justified then I would ask her to drive a movement and change her name and every ones' names in her family. Anyway who is changing names these days? Keeping aside Facebook where people update their surname just to announce that they are married (even this is done ONLY if he/she is socially active), I don't see any other place where the surname and identity of a woman get changed.

My password , pan card, office email id , my name every where else is the name I am given since birth. I never gave a thought on changing it and neither did my husband. People who have liberty to decide, spreading this message is sheer idiot-ism.

Till the day she dies...everything she does, (cooking, cleaning your house, taking care of your parents, bringing up your children, earning, advising you, ensuring you can be relaxed, maintaining all family relations, everything that benefit you.....sometimes at the cost of her own health , hobbies and beauty.

A woman of course is a super power. She does what all is mentioned above .A BIG YES to it but on the present day and date , there are many career oriented women around us who share the duties with husband . Woman is very good at multi tasking and raising children comes naturally to many  but I am not comfortable with the repetitive usage of your in this content! What does it mean by your children and everything which benefits you? Is marriage not about our children and our benefits? If the debate of who is benefiting by what and who is sacrificing more starts then that marriage for sure has gone to toss! It is agreed women sacrifice their health , hobbies and desires at times to meet the demands of the house and many a times they end up sacrificing more than men. But the present generation women should question themselves (who are in 20s and 30s and are not living in a misogynistic family), if this is actually true?  I am sure many women around are educated and are working and in no way feel inferior to their spouses. These young women who have a messed up mind and demand too much self pity think that they are doing a favor to their men by just entering in their lives! All in all this post seemed to succeed in damaging the thought process of many who are absolutely leading a normal life with zero sacrifices but still imbibe too much self-pity and self-importance due to messages like these. I don’t deny the fact that men fail to understand the actual “woman” issues starting from the trials to conceive (which actually include him) , the 3 days of every month which take her to the verge of madness almost every time and the entire gestation period, labor pain and pregnancy where she has a re-birth but I cannot accept the fact that most of the men undermine women. I have come across many sensitive men in my life, in my family and among friends who respect women for what they are!!

It is not easy being a woman. It is priceless. YES . The last line of the post – “Sad that women don’t know their value,” is so darn true for some. Women who doesn’t know her value craves for self-pity, demands an unnatural high stature, thinks of herself as an expert in feminism bordering the chauvinism.
Image courtesy : here
Marriage goes to toss during the following scenarios
  • When Man Vs Woman competition is an every day thing.
  • When a man or a woman become calculative of their contribution and keep emphasizing on it frequently
  • When a Woman feels she is superior every day and craves to display her superiority as she bears her man's kid (even writing this sentence feels stupid to me).
  • When a man feels superior about his gender!
  • When marriage becomes a contest and every situation is a battle to win and to satisfy egos
  • When a man or a woman fails to appreciate the partner when situation demands and when a man or woman has demands to receive unstoppable appreciation!
  • When a man (or) woman feels his/ her spouse should feel grateful because of his/her services
  • When the basic thing called LOVE is lacking in their life
  • When an irreparable damage is done to the egos by continuous caustic words bombarded at the partner
There can be many more reasons which mar the institution of marriage but to make and nurture a marriage the four must needed elements are love ,trust, respect and joy in each other’s company! When these four elements vanish one doesn’t have a strong reason to stick to that marriage, no matter what!

Note: I have written this post based on horrifying experiences friends and family around me are having, most of them are scenarios where husbands are sensitive and tormented by the whole girl’s side battalion. Men are sensitive too and can be absolutely passionate about their partners and spend time and effort for the wife’s joy and smiles but in recent past I came across few women who don’t deserve even an ounce of that attention, who  overthink and are bothered by some psychological disorder , think too high of themselves and throw false accuses at their husbands.

I know many couples in India who are bonded only because of kids or parents or social pressures and some even have conditional agreements of not seeing parents’ faces if they have to live together. The million dollar question is- “Are they all living happily”? It takes too many guts to come out of a failed relationship and start afresh. If you are one such person who could muster enough courage, I salute you!

My post might have been vague, starting from failed feminism to a failed marriage. Today I just had to pour my heart on blog as I am seeing my loved ones go through the pain and the pain is inflicted on me too.  A better post with well-structured and articulated thoughts some other time. For now adieu  !

I end this post with the below quotes!
The great C.S. Lewis says it for all of us! Image source : here
Wise words for this week. Source : here


  1. Read it a couple of times to get the gist completely. I have the same problems with that message. At first, I used to think why they are projecting it as a woman doing everything for a man. Granted, she is doing many of those things, but aren't those things for both of them - babies and all. But actually part of that message also holds good for another set of people. The unsung women - the ones that toil at home from dawn to dusk but get no attention, and are taken for granted. The ones that are given away in marriage and who are financially dependent on their husbands, and are not in harmony with the things. This message might hold good for those. I still don't agree with many things in that message, but there are those men Afshan. But, you are right in saying that quantifying them as 'A lot' is not right.

    Even I faced a couple of situations where women take undue advantage in the name of feminism. It is misuses like that give Feminism a bad twist. A friend of a friend of mine has been wrongly implicated in marriage on domestic violence grounds and he's still doing rounds around the courts, you would not wish such things even on a sociopath. I feel sad because of such things, as they divert the attention from the real cause of feminism and dilute the topic. As they say it takes all kinds of people to make this world I guess. But, that won't stop us from getting restless at all this heartlessness.

    1. Thanks for being the first reader Nandana , YES that is the reason I added many notes and PSes and mentioned many a times during the post, that this is targeted only at certain people and not all. We do have many good men too around us who are taken for ride. I very much agree there are women who are treated as inferior sect of people, who bear it all and lead a miserable life but what if a woman imagines it all which she creates in the head irrespective of the situation being a happy one for her !

      This post is for such troubled woman who destroy their own marriage

  2. Nicely written and very well balanced.

    Men and Women are meant to go together in life instead of competing against each other and both of them have to sacrifice many thing to go hand in hand, no one is ahead of the other one and no one is behind of another. :)

    1. Thanks for commenting piyush. A hand in hand together will solve many problems .competition is the biggest harbinger of a marriage which has potential to get destroyed !

  3. I did see this meme and agree with you that it's all nonsense! It seems like the woman is a martyr and does whatever she does without any thought or choice of her own, which is totally untrue!

    1. Thanks for being on the same page :) ya behaving like a victim and requesting sympathy is not the right way but there are many whom I know who sort to all these means to gain superiority

  4. Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon!

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  5. Well said Afshan. Even I am shocked sometimes at these forwards which are shared by the most unlikely people. Because many a times, its just a backhanded slap at feminism or borders plainly on just being anti- women. While there is no gainsaying the fact that pregnancy and motherhood are big moments in a woman's life, still I don't want to put women on a pedestal for what is purely a biological way of things.

  6. Great article this is very informative .......keep posting Thanks Regards
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