Aap Jaisa koi... My thoughts

A sweet rom-com which is not so much of a rom-com - that subtly yet sharply shines a light on deep-rooted patriarchal norms, fragile male egos, and cultural differences between regions especially between traditionally patriarchal states and progressive ones like West Bengal, entire mindset of that wonderful state often makes patriarchs uncomfortable!

The film tackles topics still considered taboo in many households: female desire, the double standards in judging men versus women, and the persistent belief that a man can get away with anything simply because he's a man, while a woman’s character is constantly scrutinized. These themes are explored with nuance, though the storytelling occasionally feels scattered, jumping too quickly from one thought or scene to another.

Many have compared it to Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani, and while there are shades of that film in this, I personally found this one more grounded and moving. It doesn’t rely on color, glamor, bling, or big-budget spectacle - but still manages to land softly and meaningfully in your heart.

Madhavan, though older than his Tanu Weds Manu days, convincingly plays a 42-year-old Sanskrit professor. However, the chemistry between him and Fatima felt a bit fizzled or perhaps just too forced. I couldn't help but wonder how someone like Vidya Balan or Dia Mirza might’ve brought more depth and connection to the role - maybe even making it a nostalgic reunion.

That said, the film challenges many age-old beliefs and silent privileges. It may make some viewers uncomfortable - and rightly so. The most powerful moment, for me, wasn’t from Madhavan or Fatima, but from Ayesha Raza (Kusum Bhabhi), whose dialogue with her husband just before the climax is a mirror to the silent suffering of countless Indian homemakers/ home bound entrepreneurs who feel trapped in their lives. That scene alone is worth the watch...

Some will swallow this film like a bitter pill - others will be grateful it was made. Modern cinema is here to stay, and it's ready to stir conversations and question outdated mindsets.

My rating: 3.5/5.

An extra 0.5 just for the literary elegance and a couple of songs! 

Even if the film isn’t époustouflant (French for breathtaking or amazing - a word Fatima uses in the film), it’s definitely worth your weekend watch!

(No spoilers shared in this review—feel free to watch with fresh perspective!)

Re-releases And Girlfriends

After a series of much real posts on my blog, today I want to write a heart warming one - An event that took me down the memory lane , made me relive most precious years of childhood once again! India is cricket frenzy and a movie frenzy nation. I think these are the only elements which bridge the gaps and inequalities here...How much ever silly it may seem - I believe they have the ability to divert one from deaths, wars and make one's heart gooey and happy!

There is a trend of rereleases going on in India - one reason being that all the new content nowadays is on OTT ( streaming platforms) and also there is a dearth of non triggering simple happy content for a human to watch. At times we don't need real or relatable content...we just need a fantasy of 2-3 hrs to travel to a dreamy land and come back to face reality. The content made nowadays is great, with mind blowing effects, unbelievable sizes of heroines, transformations on screen, plethora of topics, too many new faces but that old school feel and happy emotions are almost always missing. Once ina blue moon there may be some flick or a series that feels like a slice of life, but most of the times there is nothing which makes you fall unconditionally in love with the characters, the charisma and all the grandeur!

The idea to go to a rerelease started when my close friend from school - Hema once pinged on Instagram saying there is a rerelease of a movie called Murari , that came out when we were in early teens! I doubtfully nodded yes as I was not sure if watching a rerelease is a smart idea. This happened almost an year back , and we both - she a mad Mahesh babu fan😌 and me thoroughly enjoyed the movie, humming to all those sweet songs, we sighed at the beauty of Sonali Bendre, innocence of babu , the purity of the movie overall and thoroughly enjoyed every moment - followed by a yummy lunch and we casually spoke that day, that this is definitely a stress buster - and such a unique memory revival and that we should do it if we get a chance again.

We departed and time flew. In between we did meet for a comedy gig or had some usual girl friend voice note exchanges but didn't get a chance to meet for a longer time again!

As if someone heard us, an announcement came in March or may be April that the movie Jagadeka Veerudu Athiloka sundari is rereleasing. I was super excited as my childhood golden lady and someone who I always tried to follow suit is the leading lady in it - the forever gorgeous sridevi. I wrote about her at I always Want to be like Sridevi, if interested to read (Its my love letter to her) 💗! Her dressing, those sarees, that childlike smile, comic timing, those big almond eyes - are all to die for! The hotness factor and sex appeal need no mention!

We chit chatted and had no solid plan in mind because of our own hurdles, health issues and so on - nothing was sure.  One of my msgs to hema -"Woman! If you flop this day I won't talk to u!" -..and she replied, "It's Sridevi babe! I won't ditch!" With that excitement and enthusiasm we booked tickets on one Sunday ( May 11th) and tried including the whole class. Strangely none were motivated enough to join the party!

Couple more women had some or other hurdles but one other close Friend Prem was game for it🩷 and we trio booked the tickets on a Sunday 9 AM show😂 I mean I didn't even book such an early show for any releases on any day in all these years! But I was meeting my girlies ....and it was Sridevi Chiranjeevi starrer movie that basically could be the first fantasy movie we watched as toddlers and later as kids.....

The movie released in 1990 created quite a stir and there are stories of how a ticket worth 6/- was sold for 250-300/- in those days! Vyjayanthi movies - the banner under which the movie got released started their own marketing by releasing some merch , past anecdotes as stories on their insta, interviews of Chiranjeevi , Aswini dutt, filmmaker Raghavendra rao etc. Everything was interesting to watch except the only fact that Sridevi is no more - the actual star of the movie is her and it felt like the spark and joy of the film faded in her absence!

So Sunday came and lot of thrill and excitement in air as we woke up early in morning, that too by putting alarms in our phones, got dolled and dressed up mainly for our Sri and started on a mildly sunny morning , thankfully with very less or no traffic and eating nothing coz the thrill to meet each other filled our tummies probably😛. However I gulped a cup of black coffee to not look sleepy and started in a cab. We kept messaging each other and reached IMAX. Not sure if it was the high of meeting school girls after long or if it's Sridevi but I was surely light headed ;)

We started photo sessions and clicked to our hearts' content! The movie started with whistles and hoots as Chiranjeevi entered the screen with this fabulous intro song. As SPB's voice playfully filled the theatre, we were pushed in to the valley of nostalgia with in seconds and were surely not present in 2025. Body present, mind travelled to 3 decades back.

Chiru intro song

Both Hema and Prem joined school in high school years but I studied from Grade 2 to Xth in same school! I vividly remember how we were taken to a charity show to the same movie....almost, the whole school was in the movie hall and it was quite a fun filled day. May be I watched the movie only now again with the girls. The mere disappointment is that they didn't really work hard to clean up the film. The print is as bad as a You tube print ! if not for the protagonists' undeniable grace and charm - you won't be able to tolerate such a bad print on the large screen (even youtube print is better)!

We were utter disappointed and thought to even write a letter to Vyjayanthi movies as especially Indraja's ( Sridevi's ) entry was too bad. All frames seemed like in sepia color mode...all lovely costumes colors seemed hampered ;(...I mean this is not the way an iconic film is meant to be rereleased!!! I don't know where they spent those 8 crore rupees - As per their statement , it is the money spent on movie revival!

Celestial Sridevi (Indra's daughter Indraja) - her intro scene

Salute to the Soldiers!

Everything these days feels polarized. Every single event, thought, or expression seems to spark division.

You can’t even yawn without someone offering a lecture.

It feels like we live under a constant spotlight, where even the smallest actions are analyzed and debated.

Somehow, everything gets tied to your nationalism, your patriotism, your respect (or lack of it) for those who actually serve and protect us.

Before you even finish the sentences or suppose you are trying to have just a dialogue, it never goes smooth as the opposing group is ready to “educate” you on how your perspective is flawed.

In times like these, sometimes the sanest thing to do is focus on the simple, everyday routine, some self-grooming or progress stuff:

Staying hydrated, a personal or official milestone, pending checklist items, skincare, good food, whether intermittent fasting actually works or not, general health improvement, so on and so forth...

These may seem silly or mundane—but they’re the very things that keep our boats afloat.

In these sensitive times, some bonds may have formed and some friendships and acquaintances may have been broken or permanently damaged, all due to strong polarised views, but for our personal well being we all should do what's utmost important!!

Rather than furiously sharing news updates, half-checked data, and being at war of words with each other, it's always better to focus on personal agendas!

I end my thoughts with deep pride and gratitude in my heart for the brave soldiers who put their lives at stake, to make it possible for us to live peaceful, ordinary lives!

Let’s honor them by living well, staying grounded, and cherishing the quiet, simple joys of life. Again I reiterate what I said in all my previous posts - silence doesn't necessarily mean apathy, sound doesn't necessarily mean empathy!

The only feeling I have in heart is amazement by the valor of our soldiers and all the forces in frontline, who nonchalantly lay their lives down. Their cool composure and balanced neutral tone when addressing the nation is worth applause

Keep a check on the Hero Worship you are doing and Let us salute and hail the right heroes!

Jai Hind!

A post I didn't want to write!

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 ask and talk 𝗮 𝗳𝗲𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆:

• 𝗜𝘀𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗰 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 is equally or even more scary for people like me, because whenever it happens, we are questioned, poked, and reprimanded to condemn it—strongly and repeatedly. Like all Indians, we are also shocked. Many of us can't write (not all are writers or ChatGPT users), express, or talk about it—some may not even be active on social media. But yes, we do get targeted, irrespective of that
  
  

• 𝗚𝗮𝘇𝗮 𝘃𝘀 𝗧𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿 𝗔𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗸𝘀: The event in Gaza is a planned wipeout by governments (it feels like World War 3), where an ethnicity is being destroyed without a trace. A terrorist attack is equally heinous—but you’re comparing apples and oranges here. No act is less painful, and no death is more valid. All are deaths. All are killings.
  When religion is involved in these barbarous acts —especially targeted ones—people of the same faith often can’t speak much, because their faith is twisted by terrorists and anger is spewed in all directions. Everyone has their own way to cope.
  
  Not all can be Naseeruddin Shah’s nephew who penned that open letter (go read it if you're on a Googling spree). Not all can play with words or forwards during mind numbing events!I'm 100% sure 90% of Indian Muslims feel the same way as he wrote. Gaza is a massacre happening at a global level, from years, infact this is the WRONG time, but to those ask me questions and quickly edit with AI - the ALL EYES ON POST - I ask you, why didn't you ever condemn Gaza? Yes they are not INDIANS , but at a human level did you? I am asking this only as I WAS ASKED by 3-4 different people on why I AM NOT STRONGLY SPEAKING OUT! I WISH I COULD STRONGLY SPEAK, and change the minds of terrorists, I wish I could strongly SPEAK AND CHANGE THE SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS! I WISH. Irony is my speaking is also not enough - I should strongly speak!!
  
  

• Yes, there may be a small percentage of indifferent folks or extremists who stay silent or neutral. It’s hard to tell what's on their mind—just like it's hard to understand those who stay silent during mob lynchings or hate crimes that have occurred across India over the past decade. I Don't want to spark a Me Vs You debate, but it is what it is!

• 𝗦𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲: For some, events are extremely triggering, so they don’t react at all. Many selectively react based on their situation , and some have the patience and stamina to respond to everything. Silence isn’t conclusive.
  However, blatant, thoughtless statements and triggering posts—which further damage an already fragile unity—do reveal the mindset of the person posting them.

• 𝗧𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗠𝘂𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗺 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗻 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗸𝘀 — what exactly do you expect? A powerful post like Naseeruddin Shah’s nephew? Or a celebrity-style statement?
  Do you expect them all to come out and declare in unison that it’s Islamic extremism?
  Would you, similarly, label mob lynchings done by extremists as “[insert religion] extremists”?

• 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗴𝘂𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀? 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀, 𝘃𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗿𝘀, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆? The people who escaped are talking about them too.
  Why not share those positive stories as well? That’s the need of the hour!

• 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐬—𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐲𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐦, 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬, 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐝 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐦𝐬 (𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐬𝐡𝐢)—𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦??Why aren’t we asking why security in such sensitive areas was so lax?
  Yes, kill the terrorists, take revenge by all means—but why did this attack happen so easily in the first place?

• 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙮𝙥𝙤𝙘𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙜𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙚𝙡𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙧𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨, while celebrities are canceling shows and public events?
  Why are flight ticket prices skyrocketing, while local residents in Jammu & Kashmir are opening their doors for free to help tourists?

• 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙧-𝙚𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙬𝙖𝙧? 𝙎𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙞𝙧 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙧 𝙞𝙨 𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙮 - it is not your virtual zoom meeting or GRWM reel. Ask the soldiers who wage the war about it and the repercussions
  Who will actually be affected?

• 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝗶𝗻 𝗞𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗺𝗶𝗿, 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆? The state is already struggling—this will make things worse.
  By all means, destroy the terrorists—but is there any guarantee that innocent citizens, unrelated people in or outside J&K won’t be harmed in the process?

 

𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗙𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴, not to answer but just to 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗞! 𝗢𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻—𝘀𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻’𝘁 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴.

    𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼’𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗮—𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝘀𝗯𝗮𝗻𝗱, Imran Khan —who         received hate messages from his ex-employee just because of his name.
    As I raise questions, I get some too.
    It’s not new. And this strife might not be curbed even in the coming decades.

    𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗗𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡—𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗱𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝘁. 𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲, 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁         𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘄𝗶𝗻. 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗜𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁. 𝙔𝙀𝙎! 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻. 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩!

    On a side note—to hell with pro- or anti-BJP groups. First, be a sensitive and logical human being.
    Ask yourself—is the fabric of our nation still safe?

𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝟮𝟬 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗴𝗼?

𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸.

𝗧𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲.
𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲.

𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗹𝘆—𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗱𝗼. 𝙋𝒓𝙖𝒚𝙞𝒏𝙜 𝙛𝒐𝙧 𝙩𝒉𝙚 𝙨𝒖𝙛𝒇𝙚𝒓𝙞𝒏𝙜 𝙛𝒂𝙢𝒊𝙡𝒊𝙚𝒔 𝒐𝙣 𝙩𝒉𝙞𝒔 𝒇𝙧𝒊𝙙𝒂𝙮 𝙞𝒏 𝒎𝙮 𝙅𝒖𝙢𝒎𝙖𝒉 𝑵𝙖𝒎𝙖𝒂𝙯!

The Theory of "Availability"

In market when a product is always available, it loses its credibility, luxury, and may be people won't be inclined to buy it much, for example, the famous Haleem is available during Ramzan in Hyderabad. There is so much demand in Ramzan that there is an outlet everywhere, people try haleem of all types from all places - relish it through out the month and forget about it, eagerly waiting for next Ramzan. Haleem is also available in offseason at selective outlets but is not as good - so in the festive season it's widely available and consumed, exported and crores are earned. Now imagine Haleem is widely available in all the seasons and people are always buying it. There are haleem outlets everywhere through out the year & it's available online , in offline outlets, cloud kitchens and so on ....Would people still love having it? Would it have the same demand it usually has? It's questionable isn't it? This post is not really about haleem. I am just using it as an example and apply it to the real life and people!

Through out my teens and twenties I was always available for people. I still am - but of late the kind of behavioral exhibitions and transformations, I see in people , the mental overwhelm of it all - make me totally question my own behavior? How much of availability is too much? Does too much availability make you lose your credibility? Makes you look like a fool? Makes you feel like being used? Let's talk about it!

A health crisis in my life and the kind of talks or behaviors I experienced after that, triggered this post. I got chronic spondylitis/ disc bulge, followed by excruciating pain and sleepless nights which made me promptly apply for sick leaves, and I tried different types of treatments , underwent MRI , realized the disc bulge is little more than in previous years. First I avoided MRi but then I had to go for it after an extreme pain episode on the day of Ramzan, on the same night had to rush to ER for pain management. 

After MRI, neuro visit and multiple ayurveda sessions - even now pain is only bearable- it didn't disappear. It may take a while - the doc told. Now that while could be a month to 3 months! However in this period, like any usual human - all I wanted was some uplifting talks , some positivity, some physical help and moral boost. Most of it - the family does yes, but at times having a good circle of friends who could talk anything and everything to you - helps. I do have couple of such friends but they are also fighting their battles and most moved abroad and their physiology and psychology probably everything about them changed 😬 and talks don't usually happen, at times there is also timezone issue. Nothing wrong here and no blame gaming, it's just that our ideas, ideologies completely differ when a person moves out to a new place , adapts to new set of conditions and new life style. Sadly even if you once were quite close to them - you suddenly feel that they are not aligning with your mind or they are not vibing with u ( in the genz slang), so u maintain a good/cordial but not really a close relationship. Trust me - I have tried it...now even before finishing the post, please don't shove that OVERTHINKING label into my throat. I think therefore I am, I think and talk and therefore I am penning down this. I am sure 90% of people push such uncomfortable feelings under the carpet.....but I usually don't. What's the joy of speaking only comforting words, optimistic gyaan and not the realities??

I was not active on my usual social networks or Instagram for 15-20 days of that pain period, other than the occasional movie or series review I post, on FB or in a close knit group mostly! I must say I was not actually feeling positive or peppy or acknowledging others troubles and worries like I usually do ...and I have been doing this a lot for years ....so may be it's a break point for me and I couldn't be positive or optimistic . ...and essentially couldn't check any Instagram posts or forwards - which is the only silly stupid way of talking or "communicating" for the most. You at this point may feel I am spiraling or over stimulated or triggered - the famous words neuro doctors use to explain your anxiety! But I will explain you why?? Imagine a person is in deep shit and opens Instagram and sees a workplace fun video or corporate shit video or some other string of ten videos - may be he saw, may be he didn't - but he/she may not be really in that mode to acknowledge or haha it. OK , there is no fair chance that you may know about it but now imagine that the sick person has categorically stated about the sickness but the other person keeps sending series of videos so much so that you end up acknowledging atleast few , hoping they don't feel bad. Ya , ya , I think much about others and seldom about me but today seems like a good time to think about me!! And this post is not really about insta reels or fwds! Sending videos is not bad - For god's sake we all need memes, forwards as stress busters to sail through some shitty days ,send - pls send to me as much multimedia as you like ! I do that too...🙌🙌

source: here

But, the indifference --- the silence of the indifference echos too loud, so loud that you also reciprocate it and become indifferent , less reactive, less responsive. Remember you were very available , very responsive and empathetic till day - isn't it? I think workplaces are different, we still have to adjust to the chaotic and robotic faces around us who at times make us like them..however when you gave much, when you tried to inculcate some good vibes in team - it hurts, it hurts to still be around all non reactive folks. 

Its also a possibility that even if a resource is dead , "it" can be replaced with another resource in no time by corporates! So taking care of your well-being is only and only in your hands. Don't fall for the useless wellbeing mails or programs! When there is corporate tag to it even a psychologist is more commercial and means business, than actually being ambitious towards making you getting better....

Be it any kind of place, for an emotional person like me it feels highly unbelievable, when compatriots/ Neighbors/ friends etc., to whom u were nice/available, close enough, start behaving extremely indifferent. Suppose thinking may be you can, you mention that - to get better you are extending leaves or when you say that you had to rush to ER for an injection or when you say anything and everything which has been a crisis to you - you are met with silence or the "OK" or some times just a like or emoticon by people who follow attachment detachment philosophy as their religion, or are well equipped with formal replies. I will take a pause here and want to kick hard in the ass of the person who discovered the option to just like the messages with a thumbs up or other emoticons👍🏻😊. I hate it coz it comes across as disinterest & borderline selfishness, words are typed only when it's a matter of the opposite person's interest. PHEW! Seriously a new ethics book should come on online communication, and usage of emojis!

Empathy is lost ...and with all kind of generations mixed up, it always feels there is a flood of selfishness with a rare, teeny weeny thought about others , and that also happens when there is something to be done by them for you or if there is a common crisis ( and this is common across all generations. No one deserves to steal the credit😛) ! It all means business I guess. Yes I am being very straight forward , very vulnerable, but this is my space and I am finally allowed to vent and have this monologue ;-)

So when I go back to work from my medical leave and I post a senti note conveying thanks for the support provided in my absence and that I hope to get much better soon, on a lighter note - the only person who reacted and responded is my manager - 😆 , even if she needs to be formal and professional - I really felt from all the questions she asked, that she at least hopes I genuinely get better soon - and empathized even in mid of her crazy schedule, so ya thanks to her! Doing that being just a colleague, and having no bonding whatsoever is also not easy, even if it means just for work delegation! No body else reacts, or replies or asks a question- not even out of curiosity! Work - we always have it, work woes also we always have it. I had responded to people when I was submerged in truck loads of shit, so may be I expect the same and face a facepalm moment. Felt a bit embarrassing, but being the outright straight from the heart kind of person I am - I just posted that note, quite transparently. If I keep holding thoughts inside me, it doesn't do me much good. Anyway coming back to the present situation, I am trying to just keep it till business, immediately logoff after my work hrs, get my treatment done, and just trying to have more me time and to not have nerves all over the place by over working, getting over stimulated or triggered ( in doctors words)! I am still a work in progress when it comes to ignoring all who do me more harm than help mentally!

Khaled Hosseini says in Kite runner, "that is the problem with people who do what they say, they think others would do the same too". I think it is in the same lines ( image below). That line hit me like a tsunami wave and felt so raw and real for people like me. Aren't the expectations from others the main demons, that destroy our peace ???? I understood your words Khaleid, and in the present decade it's more true. Reciprocation is a rare occurrence!

source : here

I am still glad I have my parents, some close friends - with whom I can vent out, and a silliest leisurely activity like an anonymous question game on Instagram made me happy coz there are well wishers around us, people who like us, inspired by us and love us.

The great art of any human is to know when to tone down, when to fine tune or when to be unfiltered - just knowing these would help you in conquering the world, really! But is it really an easy art? Circling back to my Haleem theory and the question I raised - how much availability is too much ??, I want to list down few tips which are truly from my experiences. It may differ for you but atleast one or two may be tad bit helpful, so dig in:

How I wish...

How I wish that the kids with biggest hearts never grow....

How I wish we reap the benefits of the wisdom seeds they sow!

How I wish pure and trusted - it always stays, that love!

How I wish the wonderment in eyes and the joy in the heart stays intact as a treasure trove!

How I wish the fantasies we nurtured never turned to realities 

How I wish we didn't have to face the adulting cruelties

A lie - a sham which every one says that once you grow you can have it all...

And that once you grow - you decide your life and can make a call!

How I wish, the precious childhood could always stay

How I wish I stopped for once the roles I play 

How I wish the world to always be easy, happy and we could let things slide!!

How I wish I could talk to someone and feel like I can be myself and never feel tired!

How I wish at least one person conversed attentively feeling happy and engaged!

How I wish when we are sad, we don't have to get dismissed!

How I wish the child in me was once in a while acknowledged,

How I wish it would have been easier to share, talk a lot, or shed a tear - if at all someone listened !

How I wish we never grew, and stayed warm in the childhood cocoon

Should I be happy, that childhood is the only boon where I was always over the moon!

The cocoon breaks and the butterfly comes out in vibrant hues!

But how I wish to feel that cocooned warmth just once again till they end - "the blues"!

Dear Uruz Bhayya,

I wanted to write a letter to you, to preserve what all I am feeling in this blog post and to really get it out of my system and feel better. It is an open secret that writing is a cathartic process for people like me. However I am not sure if I can ever get what all I am feeling out of my system, but I can definitely make the load slightly lighter may be? Few days back when one from our cousins asked to reminisce some good old memories with you, I was totally blank! Completely blank because of all the recent past happenings and the struggle and fight which I closely witnessed. I poked my head and twisted my mind to recollect at least one memory but was feeling numb. With lot of difficulty I recollected some random memory and shared in that group, however I felt I didn't do justice to our bond or memories, hence this letter - a trial to reminisce few unforgettable, fun moments!

Do you remember those random summer days, when we used to huddle together under the shade of a neem or coconut tree in the grandmas backyard or our backyard in Ongole, and discuss anything and everything under that light blue dusky evening sky? My most favorite part was discussion of ghosts and spirits. I vividly remember how you along with your accomplices, scared me by throwing some seeds through window while I was alone in the bedroom and I screamed till my lungs exploded. Those were the days of Zee horror show (an Indian channel serial) and it took long to subside my fears. 

You calling me "Afshu," echoes in my ears. I never remember anybody addressing me as Afshu so effortlessly like how you do. Not even my parents call me with that name often. I used to feel good like a pampered sister whenever I hear Afshu from you! I know there is one more Afshan in the family, and hence to avoid confusion you may have picked Afshu - Says the logical person in you ...but I also know that the warmth or emotion you felt towards me as a big brother was unmissable! 

Ages back, whenever we visited your place during holidays, it always used to be so happening - You picking us from the bus stop and taking us around the city, making us taste the delicacies - from the mere "hari boot"  (a type of chickpea that is popular in Hyderabad) at Charminar during shopping, to the Gokul chat and also the HALEEM of Hyderabad. As I didn't like haleem you were puzzled. I loved all those visits, our animated talks, shopping till sun sets and at times late nights during certain cousin's wedding. I thoroughly enjoyed all those moments though I dont exactly remember the words!

 Like they say "baatein bhool jaate hai, yaadein yaad aate hai!"

Pulling each other's legs, having great food, doing shopping, going to movies and so on used to be our ritual whenever we meet. Your ignited passion to introduce everything that is best in Hyderabad used to feel good. The dynamism and happy smile always felt  contagious.

You were one of the very few who was genuinely happy when I secured district 1st and state 5th in my Xth standard. Similarly I felt your encouragement and applause when I successfully came out of the very tough Infosys Long cycle training. I know for a fact that some success stories and happy news cant be shared with everyone, but I was sure that you would be glad on hearing my progress. We all as a big group went to Alanktrita resorts in Hyderabad to celebrate my come back and clicked many fun pics. If I start digging in to my hard disk drive to check the old pictures, I may really get lost in time & thoughts and it would be tough to come back to present. Hence I am not going there. NOT YET!

How can I forget all our silly stories, outings and movie crushes we all had - your big crush being Manisha Koirala. You were so fond of her that in a wedding of common cousin when we teased you with a pretty girl you showed least interest , pointing to the girl next to her - saying that she resembles Manisha! I believe I still have the photograph of those girls and all of us sitting on stage. 90s , Hyderabad visits, and winter weddings were a heady mixture - extremely enjoyable!

If I travel little more back in time - when I was very small and you were may be mere 15-16 in early 90s when you stayed in Kothagudem and we visited, I remember I enjoyed the stay so much...specially I was mesmerized by hybrid roses, silkworm rearing, coal mines, and Bathukamma festival of Telangana happening there then. You all are pet lovers and am not much. You used to laugh whenever I run and hide seeing your dog - was it's name Tito?? I don't remember now! We all were such a close knit group. We had our common gossips, inside jokes , talks about books , movies, so on and so forth! 

Time and life have happened. Meeting each other became little less - as we all were finding our ways to cope with life's curve balls, college, exams, careers, finding a partner, and so on....by God's grace all of us settled well to a good extent! After finishing my college, We all shifted to Hyderabad and I felt glad that we got a chance to meet more often than we thought we could. I vividly remember how you once asked me, "hey can u apply this hot oil on my head" ( If my memory is right, you were having a bad headache) and in absence of your sisters you asked me in the TV area - a cozy space up the stairs in your old house where we all used to sit , watch and chat away. I happily obliged and applied oil on your head - may be the little moments like these made me feel that you are almost next to my own brother! Our zandu balm addiction, mannerisms, restless feet syndrome (where you are always moving one of your foot just like your dad, my dad and me) even while sitting still are all some commonalties😃 - I thought that probably because we have common ancestry even dad side, some behavioral traits seem similar!