The Theory of "Availability"

In market when a product is always available, it loses its credibility, luxury, and may be people won't be inclined to buy it much, for example, the famous Haleem is available during Ramzan in Hyderabad. There is so much demand in Ramzan that there is an outlet everywhere, people try haleem of all types from all places - relish it through out the month and forget about it, eagerly waiting for next Ramzan. Haleem is also available in offseason at selective outlets but is not as good - so in the festive season it's widely available and consumed, exported and crores are earned. Now imagine Haleem is widely available in all the seasons and people are always buying it. There are haleem outlets everywhere through out the year & it's available online , in offline outlets, cloud kitchens and so on ....Would people still love having it? Would it have the same demand it usually has? It's questionable isn't it? This post is not really about haleem. I am just using it as an example and apply it to the real life and people!

Through out my teens and twenties I was always available for people. I still am - but of late the kind of behavioral exhibitions and transformations, I see in people , the mental overwhelm of it all - make me totally question my own behavior? How much of availability is too much? Does too much availability make you lose your credibility? Makes you look like a fool? Makes you feel like being used? Let's talk about it!

A health crisis in my life and the kind of talks or behaviors I experienced after that, triggered this post. I got chronic spondylitis/ disc bulge, followed by excruciating pain and sleepless nights which made me promptly apply for sick leaves, and I tried different types of treatments , underwent MRI , realized the disc bulge is little more than in previous years. First I avoided MRi but then I had to go for it after an extreme pain episode on the day of Ramzan, on the same night had to rush to ER for pain management. 

After MRI, neuro visit and multiple ayurveda sessions - even now pain is only bearable- it didn't disappear. It may take a while - the doc told. Now that while could be a month to 3 months! However in this period, like any usual human - all I wanted was some uplifting talks , some positivity, some physical help and moral boost. Most of it - the family does yes, but at times having a good circle of friends who could talk anything and everything to you - helps. I do have couple of such friends but they are also fighting their battles and most moved abroad and their physiology and psychology probably everything about them changed 😬 and talks don't usually happen, at times there is also timezone issue. Nothing wrong here and no blame gaming, it's just that our ideas, ideologies completely differ when a person moves out to a new place , adapts to new set of conditions and new life style. Sadly even if you once were quite close to them - you suddenly feel that they are not aligning with your mind or they are not vibing with u ( in the genz slang), so u maintain a good/cordial but not really a close relationship. Trust me - I have tried it...now even before finishing the post, please don't shove that OVERTHINKING label into my throat. I think therefore I am, I think and talk and therefore I am penning down this. I am sure 90% of people push such uncomfortable feelings under the carpet.....but I usually don't. What's the joy of speaking only comforting words, optimistic gyaan and not the realities??

I was not active on my usual social networks or Instagram for 15-20 days of that pain period, other than the occasional movie or series review I post, on FB or in a close knit group mostly! I must say I was not actually feeling positive or peppy or acknowledging others troubles and worries like I usually do ...and I have been doing this a lot for years ....so may be it's a break point for me and I couldn't be positive or optimistic . ...and essentially couldn't check any Instagram posts or forwards - which is the only silly stupid way of talking or "communicating" for the most. You at this point may feel I am spiraling or over stimulated or triggered - the famous words neuro doctors use to explain your anxiety! But I will explain you why?? Imagine a person is in deep shit and opens Instagram and sees a workplace fun video or corporate shit video or some other string of ten videos - may be he saw, may be he didn't - but he/she may not be really in that mode to acknowledge or haha it. OK , there is no fair chance that you may know about it but now imagine that the sick person has categorically stated about the sickness but the other person keeps sending series of videos so much so that you end up acknowledging atleast few , hoping they don't feel bad. Ya , ya , I think much about others and seldom about me but today seems like a good time to think about me!! And this post is not really about insta reels or fwds! Sending videos is not bad - For god's sake we all need memes, forwards as stress busters to sail through some shitty days ,send - pls send to me as much multimedia as you like ! I do that too...🙌🙌

source: here

But, the indifference --- the silence of the indifference echos too loud, so loud that you also reciprocate it and become indifferent , less reactive, less responsive. Remember you were very available , very responsive and empathetic till day - isn't it? I think workplaces are different, we still have to adjust to the chaotic and robotic faces around us who at times make us like them..however when you gave much, when you tried to inculcate some good vibes in team - it hurts, it hurts to still be around all non reactive folks. 

Its also a possibility that even if a resource is dead , "it" can be replaced with another resource in no time by corporates! So taking care of your well-being is only and only in your hands. Don't fall for the useless wellbeing mails or programs! When there is corporate tag to it even a psychologist is more commercial and means business, than actually being ambitious towards making you getting better....

Be it any kind of place, for an emotional person like me it feels highly unbelievable, when compatriots/ Neighbors/ friends etc., to whom u were nice/available, close enough, start behaving extremely indifferent. Suppose thinking may be you can, you mention that - to get better you are extending leaves or when you say that you had to rush to ER for an injection or when you say anything and everything which has been a crisis to you - you are met with silence or the "OK" or some times just a like or emoticon by people who follow attachment detachment philosophy as their religion, or are well equipped with formal replies. I will take a pause here and want to kick hard in the ass of the person who discovered the option to just like the messages with a thumbs up or other emoticons👍🏻😊. I hate it coz it comes across as disinterest & borderline selfishness, words are typed only when it's a matter of the opposite person's interest. PHEW! Seriously a new ethics book should come on online communication, and usage of emojis!

Empathy is lost ...and with all kind of generations mixed up, it always feels there is a flood of selfishness with a rare, teeny weeny thought about others , and that also happens when there is something to be done by them for you or if there is a common crisis ( and this is common across all generations. No one deserves to steal the credit😛) ! It all means business I guess. Yes I am being very straight forward , very vulnerable, but this is my space and I am finally allowed to vent and have this monologue ;-)

So when I go back to work from my medical leave and I post a senti note conveying thanks for the support provided in my absence and that I hope to get much better soon, on a lighter note - the only person who reacted and responded is my manager - 😆 , even if she needs to be formal and professional - I really felt from all the questions she asked, that she at least hopes I genuinely get better soon - and empathized even in mid of her crazy schedule, so ya thanks to her! Doing that being just a colleague, and having no bonding whatsoever is also not easy, even if it means just for work delegation! No body else reacts, or replies or asks a question- not even out of curiosity! Work - we always have it, work woes also we always have it. I had responded to people when I was submerged in truck loads of shit, so may be I expect the same and face a facepalm moment. Felt a bit embarrassing, but being the outright straight from the heart kind of person I am - I just posted that note, quite transparently. If I keep holding thoughts inside me, it doesn't do me much good. Anyway coming back to the present situation, I am trying to just keep it till business, immediately logoff after my work hrs, get my treatment done, and just trying to have more me time and to not have nerves all over the place by over working, getting over stimulated or triggered ( in doctors words)! I am still a work in progress when it comes to ignoring all who do me more harm than help mentally!

Khaled Hosseini says in Kite runner, "that is the problem with people who do what they say, they think others would do the same too". I think it is in the same lines ( image below). That line hit me like a tsunami wave and felt so raw and real for people like me. Aren't the expectations from others the main demons, that destroy our peace ???? I understood your words Khaleid, and in the present decade it's more true. Reciprocation is a rare occurrence!

source : here

I am still glad I have my parents, some close friends - with whom I can vent out, and a silliest leisurely activity like an anonymous question game on Instagram made me happy coz there are well wishers around us, people who like us, inspired by us and love us.

The great art of any human is to know when to tone down, when to fine tune or when to be unfiltered - just knowing these would help you in conquering the world, really! But is it really an easy art? Circling back to my Haleem theory and the question I raised - how much availability is too much ??, I want to list down few tips which are truly from my experiences. It may differ for you but atleast one or two may be tad bit helpful, so dig in:

1. Never really expect the reciprocation: You may not be doing few things for the greater good, at times you will do it just so as to get the good back when in dire need but never expect or put a tab on it. The other person may be going through shit, may simply not want to be that listening person or may simply be built in that way. Accept it. Your EQs ( emotional quotients) are not same. Next time , just guard your self. Be careful. Once bit, twice shy right?
   
   
   
2. No one is replacement for the other: If you are dissatisfied by one person , the lacuna can't be filled by another. We are all built in different ways....thanks to a friend who reminded psychologist srk aka Jehangir Khan from Dear Zindagi today to me - we can't expect all kind of emotions from a partner or just that one person and we need to have categories of folks for various needs of ours. Tough to follow, but that's the only way out.  For e.g. some one fits only to have a cup of coffee in office break , nothing more , nothing less, some one else just to share music taste and some one else may be to only talk about your more internal  matters ( a special friend). Know your time and place. To get a better idea , watch this video... and you can feast on SRK if you are like me ;) 
   
   
   
   
   
3. Getting labelled: whenever u talk raw, real, and mostly the truths as it is ..you feel un-welcomed, and are tagged as overthinker. Brush it off. Coz in an association of days or weeks you can't explain your whole life or why you are and what you are to anybody and every body. Be selectively available. Do not speak 🗣️ even when it is not wanted. Again - be available only to those precious few who deserve you ! Yes you are the best. Don't waste your time and energy in useless talks. It's like pouring in an already full vessel. Everything goes to drain. A person who is alllllways full of themselves - avoid them like plague, coz you will be labelled in no time. Your wavelengths won't match. Be aware of this!
   
   
   
4. A matter of self-worth: I read a very interesting article on bored panda today about 30 signs traumatic people have or do after taking a lot. Even if I don't feel I faced that much trauma as described in article, there are atleast 5,6 signs that checked out for me. Really after taking a lot of shit in life - you have very low threshold , till some point you are available for people however they may be, but at a certain juncture, the breaking point occurs - that's when u become stoic, can't help, can't react, can't really explain. Sad fact is you will lose many in this process, but you can't be available and be used for that long!
   
   
   
5. Your time is precious: Don't you remember all those pending works and productive checklists you made. Where are you with it? Are you done with them or are you still struggling to kickstart? Reiterate it. Start, start that dream of yours, fulfill that ambition, paint the town red with your passion ....go big or go home ! There's lot to do , really think about it? When u invest in your own things , spending time on people becomes a rarity - a privileged act :) it's like you are available to the premiere customer and not the standard one!
   
   
   
6. Be with soulful people: when a soul speaks, you vibe with it differently. You will know it. The soul can even be a pure one like a 3-5 year old child's. At times your soul may be as pure as that and hence you don't understand adult shenanigans. You can very well spend a time with a soulful human - be it any one. It will do good to your mental health....and your availability here can always be prioritised and traded with other soulless tasks , eating Haleem, biryani, could be soulful too but be mindful of soulful tasks that add cholesterol in your body😄😛
   
   
   
7. Music: Nowadays to be calm I suddenly seek AI's help, no not to make ghibili art - however that felt soulful too! So I tell alexa to play my most favorite song or song running in my mind from long, it's an instant mood changer ...when you have mood downers around you specially on the mundane weekdays. Seek the music and the music will seek you. It makes everything bearable. Learn music or listen or immerse yourself in any such art forms, draw, paint or know some folks with similar inclinations like you and talk to them. It surely can help and you can also make your self less available for the undeserving folks by doing the most beautiful things you deserve!
   
   
   
8. Small joys: Little things in life give so much joy. Did you buy that equipment u wanted or a tea pot you liked, or the lipstick shade u can match to your dress is available? Go for it. Love yourself and to satisfy your soul at times with material joys is not bad. You earned it. You deserve it! Get dressed up when u feel good, click yourself , preserve the memory. Do what you want or need unapologetically! Don't depend on others to make memories for you, don't wait for them to be "available". Others will mostly disappoint you as your requirements may not align with them. When it comes to knowing what u want - you are the best person to listen to
   
   
   
9. Nature and books: Can there be better replacements of these. I am penning this on my birthday (April 18th) evening and as if the skies listened to me, they started roaring and pouring down with lighting and thunders. Summer rains are the best! In the lap of nature anybody can feel the richest - rich at heart, mind , and soul - I am sure some renowned poet told it - Cannot recollect now who it is! Just looking at the breeze , a foggy evening or rain drops eases the soul so much, reduces the pain , You forget your miseries! Sometimes doctors also suggest a patient to travel and experience nature/ fresh air isn't it. BOOKS - There can't be a better replacement to books. A book can do an equal magic like nature, at times even if a book may disturb you - u still learn more about life, facts, you feel like you are sitting next to a friend! Make yourself more available for such constants in your life!
   
   
   
10. Always prioritize self-availability: Last but not the least - Always and always unapologetically (I know I am using this word again in my post today) prioritize yourself. It is tough, damn tough in INDIAN Set up, where for most of your life - even after midlife you are told to do certain things, expected to follow certain norms. May be it is my mid life speaking but thrash those norms - the sooner the better , make your self available for you! Be your own listener. Sit with your thoughts for a good one hr in a day, dust those cobwebs, journal the troubling thoughts, act on what you must - but do have that me time

PS: Do not generalize the above tip and all other tips, to be that selfish asshole who simply ignores some important folks in life  - partners, friends who were there, parents, even kids etc., and just prioritizes only him/herself. Understand my intention and not mince my words:) 

This monologue is mostly written for myself - what else can be a better place for troubled, bothering , bickering thoughts isnt it? This birthday I am taking a self pledge to be a better person - mentally and physically and to do whatever it takes! Hoping atleast some of these tips may have helped you.........

Happy b'day to me!

Have a healthy life u all...