Monday, March 17, 2014

Why this Kolaveri di ??

When Sid tagged me on the Project 365’s mind boggling prompt – Bone contention, I was in a fix. Not because I have no content for this contention topic but I was confused as to what name I should give to this post. I finally rounded on Why this Kolaveri di!? I am sure all Indians are aware of this song. The song got viral some 2 years back and it was on every one’s FB page, mobiles and was forwarded feverishly! Will you believe if I say this song was played even in the taxis of Malaysia and Singapore when I visited!
Dhanush might have dedicated this song to the girl who cheated him but I am stealing his song title and dedicating this post to all people who accelerate the urge in me to kill them or sometimes the urge to slap myself due to the mistakes done by me. Well coming back to the topic, here I have to enter in to the skin of the person who opposes my thoughts or issues I strongly care about or has differential opinions to mine! Here I am writing down scenarios where a person misunderstood me and we kind of had a big argument and disagreement. I am actually not giving out all the details and I have cut down the conversation to 1/10th of the original one. I will present you two scenarios here where I am myself in the first and I am the one who is in the opposite position in the second. Let us name that friend/ relative / cousin or an on-line friend as Mrs.Helen Good. Don’t ask me why I chose this name :P.

 I badly needed her help and yes I bothered her, bugged her and bombarded her as I felt I can take the help, she being a good friend who helped me in times of trouble. Below is a conversation which actually didn't happen. It is tweaked a lot. In the first scenario I am myself. Read on!

Scenario 1 (I , me , myself):
Me in the face-book chat window.
Me: “Hello. How are you doing?”
Mrs. Helen Good: “I am fine. How are things at your end?”
Me: “All well. So how is your health now?”
Mrs HG: “Doing great. Little weakness is still there”
Me thinking, should I ask for help or not as she is still sick!
Mrs HG: “Hope you are excited about the blogger meet we are about to have.”
Me: “Yes. I am. Sorry to disturb U but can you please let me know if I really will get a special pass where we get a chance to interview Amitab Bachan and Shabana Azmi likes?”
Mrs HG: “Yes there is a chance :) "
Me: "You think I should contact the PRO first for that or can I directly go to venue and ask."
Mrs HG: "I think you can go and ask."

Time flew and after two months, on one fine morning after repeated pursuits to talk to HG I pinged her again.

Me: "Hey. How are u doing ? You are not visible these days."
HG: "What help do you want me to do now madam?"
Me: "I did not ping for any help ! What opinion do you have about me? Not sure why you asked like that. Sorry for any inconvenience. "
HG: "I can't talk normally right now. I don't have a problem helping or guiding you but I should set my limits before some one burdens me or takes me for granted."
Me: "Did I burden you? I am shocked to hear that."
HG: "I can't be a selfless helper anymore. I have my own challenges and blah blah blah. It will take time for me to converse normally with you."
Me: "OK. Please forget this and me and move on."
Image source : here

Scenario 2 : (I am Mrs.HG here)

 Me in the face-book chat window.
Me: “Hello. How are you doing?”
Mrs. Helen Good: “I am fine. How are things at your end?”
Me: “All well. So how is your health now?”
Mrs HG: “Doing great. Little weakness is still there”
Me thinking, should I ask for help or not as she is still sick!
Mrs HG: “Hope you are excited about the blogger meet we are about to have.”
Me: “Yes. I am. Sorry to disturb U but can you please let me know if I really will get a special pass where we get a chance to interview Amitab Bachan and Shabana Azmi likes?”
Mrs HG: “Yes there is a chance :) "
Me: "You think I should contact the PRO first for that or can I directly go to venue and ask."
Mrs HG: "I think you can go and ask."

Time flew and after two months on one fine morning after repeated pursuits to talk to HG I pinged her again.

Me: "Hey. How are u doing ? You are not visible these days (I need some help actually)."
HG: "What help do you want me to do now madam?"
Me: "I did not ping for any help ! What opinion do you have about me? Not sure why you asked like that. Sorry for any inconvenience. "
HG: "I can't talk normally right now. I don't have a problem helping or guiding you but I should set my limits before some one burdens me or takes me for granted."
Me: "Did I burden you? I am shocked to hear that."
HG: "I can't be a selfless helper anymore. I have my own challenges and blah blah blah.. It will take time for me to converse normally with you."
Me: "OK. Please forget this and me and move on."

 Did you notice that I copy pasted the same conversation twice? In the first set where I am myself and in second set where I am Mrs.HG I highlighted few words in red. These words are the ones on which I laid emphasis when I was myself and when I was Mrs.HG respectively. OK. Let me make it easy for you. In the first scenario I laid emphasis on , "please" coz I asked Mrs HG's help even if she was sick. I hesitate a lot. I am a good person according to me and hence I added please but I needed help urgently so I didn't hesitate asking. My emphasis was on words , Sorry and please. I can never gauge the reactions or thoughts of the other person so I was happily unaware of the fact that she was burdened all the time till she blasted me after 1-2months and she is happily unaware of  the words which offended me!!
Here my emphasis was on all her rude words. I was too shocked and too surprised to react!

In the second scenario I am Mrs HG and may be Mrs HG is me. Here the emphasis is laid on the repetitive requests and sorry and please are trashed.  I even read between the lines and understood the conversation as per my convenience .I was sure that the other person asked, "I need some help actually".

Mrs HG found me rude and I found Mrs HG rude. The conversation, arguments and disagreements I had with Mrs HG are not as simple as I mentioned in the above conversation snippet.  They are HUGE, COMPLEX and the story is long so no narration as of now as it may become a novella which no one would be eager to read but one thing I want to conclude here is -> It is very tough to crawl in to other person's skin. It is tough to wear their thinking cap. It is not always possible to be empathetic! 

If they are fighting their own demons they may treat you as that demon at some point of time. Yes. I am not aloof of such complications.I might have also done that at sometime. They expect you to thank them 100 times and zip your mouths even if you want to get few things clarified or need some guidance. If you ask guidance you will be projected as a selfish person who only knows to take help. What ever good you do before and after that will be wiped off from their memories. Similarly you may not realise that there actually was a possibility that you might have pissed him/her. You may not be aware of the fact that he/she is doing a big favour and the friendship won't stand in the same line of FAVOUR!


 I decided to break all my ties with that person coz I was not able to fake friendship after a weird conversation and disagreement we had. When  I spoke in the same style I was tagged as a weirdo and that I am highly offensive. I just reminded the message I got months back and walked out of the conversation and also her life! No one loves the other person more than they love themselves. Every one has the challenges, demons, vulnerabilities and emotions but no one thinks that the other person's challenges are bigger than theirs'! .

The guest prompt for the post is to be in the friend's shoes and let readers know what it was like doing it ! To me it was like Kolaveri.I named it as Kolaveri – as Kolaveri means murder. There are various meanings of kolaveri, ranging from the urge to kill someone or a deep anger to kill someone. Kolai means murder, very means mania says yahoo  . Click to know the variety of meanings. Whatever is the range of meanings the gist is kolaveri di is murderous intention. Not that I want to kill some one now but putting myself in the shoes of someone who is opposing me brought an urge in me to kill myself as it was deadly tough, bone chilling ,mind numbing experience. So I will never be able to defend the opposing person. I can definitely think like them and understand why they spoke like that but can never defend them. Ya I can definitely offend them :) 

 Have a great time friends. Happy Holi. I am glad I successfully posted this one on Bone of contention. I had a different intention before I started writing this but right now am not in a mood to write an explosive post , hence this one! Lastly Dhanush's Kolaveri which inspired my post's title and more than half of my post! I dedicate this song to Sid;) 

Try not to be some one's Kolaveri and live your life. Do read a poem- "You and me war"  written by me more or less on similar lines few days back :)  Two stanzas from the same poem :

If I do a mistake I don't think twice.
If you do a mistake you are experienced and wise.
If I am used to something you call it a vice.
If you are used to something you say it is nice!

If I break a promise I am heartless and take you for granted.
If you break a promise you understand the situation and are sainted.
If I am judge-mental I probably don't know the world's way.
If you are judge-mental you know it all and hence you dare to say.


This post is a part of the WordPress Daily Prompts : 365 Writing Prompts program where the aim is to post at least one post a day based on the day's prompt.Today's Prompt was a 'Free Prompt' provided to all of us, Guest Authors.
The Prompt!
Thank you Sid for pushing me to write this :) Have a nice time!

12 comments:

  1. Yowza. Quite an intense one this. But I get your point. It's always difficult to put yourself in another person's shoes. Especially when you have a personal argument. One of the problems with chat are that we are unable to anticipate the tone of our statement. Or their statement. But what you said is also true....Once those relationship bridges start to wear off, its sometimes better to burn them. Thanks for taking part Afshan. I know what you were going through and hope everything gets well soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THanks Sid ! I know it is almost impossible to defend some one who opposes u
      I tried but couldnt do even for the blog sake. Ya The hurt will stay but If I dont burn the bridge I felt the hurt wud multiply :) Thanks for giving me the opp too to vent it out !
      Thanks for pushing me to write :)

      Delete
  2. Happened to me too. Had lost some good friends of mine just cos I couldn't understand what was going through their mind and after a while of waiting for the distance in relation to fade off, I decided to erase them from my life.

    Loved the way you wrote from both perspectives. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to see u here after long ! Ya break ups in frndship are too painful to deal with but some tiems I dont hav any alternative too :(
      Thanks for reading it

      Delete
  3. True...to each his/her own. But politeness makes a lot of difference.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya but at saturation levels politeness vanishes atleast mine !
      I can only say sorry/ thank U till that point of time and walk out :-/

      Delete
  4. It's often difficult in online interactions because you can't see the person's face or gauge his or her tone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is impossible as of now to me . Now I see every one with warning labels and carry a label on my forehead too :P or rather chat window too :D

      Delete
  5. Yes, online interactions are really dicey as you pointed out. And sometimes, it is better to distance oneself if that person repeatedly makes you uncomfortable or is rude to you. Hope you are feeling better, Afshan. Take care!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is for our Best- I mean distancing our selves ... May be I was also equally rude but I couldn't end it gracefully. After all I have similar "feelings" too :) Thanks for reading Rachna !!

      Delete
  6. Uhh..this happens so many times. I am scared to even say please, sorry and thank you sometimes to a few people, fearing they will take it the wrong way. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please / sorry / thank U all these are like heavy load on my HEAD as of now :D I know what U r saying . Thanks for ur time here pooja as always

      Delete

What do you think about this ? I always love to hear back.A comment or a brickbat boosts me to write more but the mud slinging shall be promptly vacuumed.
Thanks for your time :)

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