I wanted to write a letter to you, to preserve what all I am feeling in this blog post and to really get it out of my system and feel better. It is an open secret that writing is a cathartic process for people like me. However I am not sure if I can ever get what all I am feeling out of my system, but I can definitely make the load slightly lighter may be? Few days back when one from our cousins asked to reminisce some good old memories with you, I was totally blank! Completely blank because of all the recent past happenings and the struggle and fight which I closely witnessed. I poked my head and twisted my mind to recollect at least one memory but was feeling numb. With lot of difficulty I recollected some random memory and shared in that group, however I felt I didn't do justice to our bond or memories, hence this letter - a trial to reminisce few unforgettable, fun moments!
Do you remember those random summer days, when we used to huddle together under the shade of a neem or coconut tree in the grandmas backyard or our backyard in Ongole, and discuss anything and everything under that light blue dusky evening sky? My most favorite part was discussion of ghosts and spirits. I vividly remember how you along with your accomplices, scared me by throwing some seeds through window while I was alone in the bedroom and I screamed till my lungs exploded. Those were the days of Zee horror show (an Indian channel serial) and it took long to subside my fears.
You calling me "Afshu," echoes in my ears. I never remember anybody addressing me as Afshu so effortlessly like how you do. Not even my parents call me with that name often. I used to feel good like a pampered sister whenever I hear Afshu from you! I know there is one more Afshan in the family, and hence to avoid confusion you may have picked Afshu - Says the logical person in you ...but I also know that the warmth or emotion you felt towards me as a big brother was unmissable!
Ages back, whenever we visited your place during holidays, it always used to be so happening - You picking us from the bus stop and taking us around the city, making us taste the delicacies - from the mere "hari boot" (a type of chickpea that is popular in Hyderabad) at Charminar during shopping, to the Gokul chat and also the HALEEM of Hyderabad. As I didn't like haleem you were puzzled. I loved all those visits, our animated talks, shopping till sun sets and at times late nights during certain cousin's wedding. I thoroughly enjoyed all those moments though I dont exactly remember the words!
Like they say "baatein bhool jaate hai, yaadein yaad aate hai!"
Pulling each other's legs, having great food, doing shopping, going to movies and so on used to be our ritual whenever we meet. Your ignited passion to introduce everything that is best in Hyderabad used to feel good. The dynamism and happy smile always felt contagious.
You were one of the very few who was genuinely happy when I secured district 1st and state 5th in my Xth standard. Similarly I felt your encouragement and applause when I successfully came out of the very tough Infosys Long cycle training. I know for a fact that some success stories and happy news cant be shared with everyone, but I was sure that you would be glad on hearing my progress. We all as a big group went to Alanktrita resorts in Hyderabad to celebrate my come back and clicked many fun pics. If I start digging in to my hard disk drive to check the old pictures, I may really get lost in time & thoughts and it would be tough to come back to present. Hence I am not going there. NOT YET!
How can I forget all our silly stories, outings and movie crushes we all had - your big crush being Manisha Koirala. You were so fond of her that in a wedding of common cousin when we teased you with a pretty girl you showed least interest , pointing to the girl next to her - saying that she resembles Manisha! I believe I still have the photograph of those girls and all of us sitting on stage. 90s , Hyderabad visits, and winter weddings were a heady mixture - extremely enjoyable!
If I travel little more back in time - when I was very small and you were may be mere 15-16 in early 90s when you stayed in Kothagudem and we visited, I remember I enjoyed the stay so much...specially I was mesmerized by hybrid roses, silkworm rearing, coal mines, and Bathukamma festival of Telangana happening there then. You all are pet lovers and am not much. You used to laugh whenever I run and hide seeing your dog - was it's name Tito?? I don't remember now! We all were such a close knit group. We had our common gossips, inside jokes , talks about books , movies, so on and so forth!
Time and life have happened. Meeting each other became little less - as we all were finding our ways to cope with life's curve balls, college, exams, careers, finding a partner, and so on....by God's grace all of us settled well to a good extent! After finishing my college, We all shifted to Hyderabad and I felt glad that we got a chance to meet more often than we thought we could. I vividly remember how you once asked me, "hey can u apply this hot oil on my head" ( If my memory is right, you were having a bad headache) and in absence of your sisters you asked me in the TV area - a cozy space up the stairs in your old house where we all used to sit , watch and chat away. I happily obliged and applied oil on your head - may be the little moments like these made me feel that you are almost next to my own brother! Our zandu balm addiction, mannerisms, restless feet syndrome (where you are always moving one of your foot just like your dad, my dad and me) even while sitting still are all some commonalties😃 - I thought that probably because we have common ancestry even dad side, some behavioral traits seem similar!
There were many memorable movie outings but the best of all was when we went to Dubbed version of a telugu movie Premadesam (Tabbu starrer) in Hindi, thinking it was Maachis (another Tabbu starrer movie😁) - Yes in absence of digital media , such mistakes were bound to happen and we were not that sharp. We banged our heads and tolerated the hindi version of premadesam , laughing at the stupid dialogues for almost 3 long hours. On one day when you were little dull due to some set back, we teased you - "why you becoming Devadas bhayya!", seeing your unkempt stubble. You bolted rightaway clean shaved your face, got ready in sharp clothes and said - chalo lets go to a movie - we all went to Pokiri (of Mahesh babu) in the Galaxy theatre tolichowki. Also I can never forget when you praised SRK in Chakde and laughed loud seeing my genuine happiness :)
Today as I silently sit -- the way I am silently sitting from a couple of weeks, any random thing, any random weather , a random childhood memory - reminds me of you!
That day when we stayed with Nanasaheb and the remaining family was dealing with some other crisis, me a mere 7-8 year old , happily doing my color painting and you, Shaddu and Nanasaheb all doing the hard work of fixing breakfasts and lunches in that heavy monsoon month of June... I vividly remember how we were shocked by the amount of oil in the chicken curry prepared by a neighbor/colleague. God only knows how all these flood of memories became so fresh in my mind!
The other day when you accompanied us to a Gold shop and shared your thoughts on the best designs... an odd day when you were dropping me in the car, asked about my work and suggested few career tips - if I want to learn more in IT... so on and so forth - there are 100s of memories Uruj Bhayya, worth reminiscing and worth penning down here!
Memory is both a boon and curse. It reminds all great moments but with a dash of pain. I have always felt both happy and sad by my strong capacity to remember good moments and also felt it is a blessing that I manage to flush not so great moments and memories (well atleast 7 out of 10 times). They help me to sail through. They help to remember the relationship , the way we would like it to be. Be it any relationship isnt it ?
Specially in the December month when I visited you often in hospital, even through the pain, when you rushed to speak so many many things - it pained me deeply. It had hurt me as I realised that you are making up for all the lost time, making up for all the meets which never happened, trying to gather some more good memories in whatever way possible... I stood and spoke for long on each visiting day with you.. nothing could compensate in such a short time, but I am glad I atleast managed to exchange some words! The heart wanted more. I know there is lot left unsaid Uruj Bhayya. You have no idea how many good scenarios I weaved in my mind and also had some random dreams that we are in some function or fun gathering. I day dreamt that on one sunny afternoon, sitting in any of those good cafes sipping a chai or a juice, may be we can talk more and better in a hale and hearty scenario, just like the olden days! I have imagined that when you finally come out may be we all should plan a good resort visit or a movie (also like old times) and enjoy a meal or stay a day along with Families. I wished that the next gen cousins should bond in your presence (trust me I whole heartedly wished it). I hoped that the Biryani of some Deccan Kitchen which we discussed , we can manage and eat in real when you feel better! I wished to discuss some latest OTT watches and some great songs and explain to you where you can download that ringtone (like in olden days)...but sadly God had a cruel plan and you left us so untimely to the heavenly abode, giving inexplicable pain to your family and also all the near and dear!
A day doesnt go by with out remembering you. We try to do the mundane day to day things , talk to a friend or go to office or some place, but again it circles back to you. Even in pain I remember how bravely you fought all these days, how you managed a word or a joke till you can, how you tried to uplift spirits of your visitors and stayed calm as much as you can. It still is not sinking that you are not around. I still on some afternoons feel, may be we would be going to hospital to visit you and you may sit upright and talk numerous things like always! Now we are left with many ifs and buts and unlimited memories in our hearts!
As you travel to another realm, I hope your soul feels free and painless. You are always alive in our hearts and your contagious smile would forever be imprinted in our minds! I somehow feel that you would read this, recollect some good old memories and understand what I may actually be feeling!
Love,
Afshu!
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