A post I didn't want to write!

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 ask and talk 𝗮 𝗳𝗲𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆:

• 𝗜𝘀𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗰 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 is equally or even more scary for people like me, because whenever it happens, we are questioned, poked, and reprimanded to condemn it—strongly and repeatedly. Like all Indians, we are also shocked. Many of us can't write (not all are writers or ChatGPT users), express, or talk about it—some may not even be active on social media. But yes, we do get targeted, irrespective of that
  
  

• 𝗚𝗮𝘇𝗮 𝘃𝘀 𝗧𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿 𝗔𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗸𝘀: The event in Gaza is a planned wipeout by governments (it feels like World War 3), where an ethnicity is being destroyed without a trace. A terrorist attack is equally heinous—but you’re comparing apples and oranges here. No act is less painful, and no death is more valid. All are deaths. All are killings.
  When religion is involved in these barbarous acts —especially targeted ones—people of the same faith often can’t speak much, because their faith is twisted by terrorists and anger is spewed in all directions. Everyone has their own way to cope.
  
  Not all can be Naseeruddin Shah’s nephew who penned that open letter (go read it if you're on a Googling spree). Not all can play with words or forwards during mind numbing events!I'm 100% sure 90% of Indian Muslims feel the same way as he wrote. Gaza is a massacre happening at a global level, from years, infact this is the WRONG time, but to those ask me questions and quickly edit with AI - the ALL EYES ON POST - I ask you, why didn't you ever condemn Gaza? Yes they are not INDIANS , but at a human level did you? I am asking this only as I WAS ASKED by 3-4 different people on why I AM NOT STRONGLY SPEAKING OUT! I WISH I COULD STRONGLY SPEAK, and change the minds of terrorists, I wish I could strongly SPEAK AND CHANGE THE SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS! I WISH. Irony is my speaking is also not enough - I should strongly speak!!
  
  

• Yes, there may be a small percentage of indifferent folks or extremists who stay silent or neutral. It’s hard to tell what's on their mind—just like it's hard to understand those who stay silent during mob lynchings or hate crimes that have occurred across India over the past decade. I Don't want to spark a Me Vs You debate, but it is what it is!

• 𝗦𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲: For some, events are extremely triggering, so they don’t react at all. Many selectively react based on their situation , and some have the patience and stamina to respond to everything. Silence isn’t conclusive.
  However, blatant, thoughtless statements and triggering posts—which further damage an already fragile unity—do reveal the mindset of the person posting them.

• 𝗧𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗠𝘂𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗺 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗻 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗸𝘀 — what exactly do you expect? A powerful post like Naseeruddin Shah’s nephew? Or a celebrity-style statement?
  Do you expect them all to come out and declare in unison that it’s Islamic extremism?
  Would you, similarly, label mob lynchings done by extremists as “[insert religion] extremists”?

• 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗴𝘂𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀? 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀, 𝘃𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗿𝘀, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆? The people who escaped are talking about them too.
  Why not share those positive stories as well? That’s the need of the hour!

• 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐬—𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐲𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐦, 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬, 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐝 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐦𝐬 (𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐬𝐡𝐢)—𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦??Why aren’t we asking why security in such sensitive areas was so lax?
  Yes, kill the terrorists, take revenge by all means—but why did this attack happen so easily in the first place?

• 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙮𝙥𝙤𝙘𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙜𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙚𝙡𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙧𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨, 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙘𝙚𝙡𝙚𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙬𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙥𝙪𝙗𝙡𝙞𝙘 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗲 𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴? 𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙩 𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙚𝙨 𝙨𝙠𝙮𝙧𝙤𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙅𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙪 & 𝙆𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙢𝙞𝙧 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙤𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙙𝙤𝙤𝙧𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 𝙩𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙨?

• 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙧-𝙚𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙬𝙖𝙧? 𝙎𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙞𝙧 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙧 𝙞𝙨 𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙮 - 𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙫𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝙯𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙢𝙚𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙧 𝙂𝙍𝙒𝙈 𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙡. 𝘼𝙨𝙠 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙬𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙧 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙘𝙪𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 ? 𝙒𝙝𝙤 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙗𝙚 𝙖𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙?

• 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝗶𝗻 𝗞𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗺𝗶𝗿, 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆? 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴—𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲. 𝗕𝘆 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻𝘀, 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀—𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗰𝗶𝘁𝗶𝘇𝗲𝗻𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗝&𝗞 𝘄𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀?

𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗙𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴, not to answer but just to 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗞! 𝗢𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻—𝘀𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻’𝘁 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴.

𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼’𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗮—𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝘀𝗯𝗮𝗻𝗱, 𝗜𝗺𝗿𝗮𝗻 𝗞𝗵𝗮𝗻—𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗺𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗴𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘅-𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗲 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗲. 𝗔𝘀 𝗜 𝗿𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀, 𝗜 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼𝗼. 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗻𝗲𝘄. 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗳𝗲 was never and may 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗯𝗲𝗱 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗮𝗱𝗲𝘀. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗗𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡—𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗱𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝘁. 𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲, 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘄𝗶𝗻. 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗜𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁. 𝙔𝙀𝙎! 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻. 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩!

𝗢𝗻 𝗮 𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲—𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗽𝗿𝗼- 𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶-𝗕𝗝𝗣 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽𝘀. 𝗙𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁, 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝗴𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝘼 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙢𝙞𝙭 𝙤𝙛 𝙗𝙤𝙩𝙝 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙨!
𝗔𝘀𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳—𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗯𝗿𝗶𝗰 𝗼𝗳 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲?

𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝟮𝟬 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗴𝗼?

𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸. 𝗗𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗹𝘆. 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹𝘆.

𝗧𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲.
𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲.

𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗹𝘆—𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗱𝗼. 𝙋𝒓𝙖𝒚𝙞𝒏𝙜 𝙛𝒐𝙧 𝙩𝒉𝙚 𝙨𝒖𝙛𝒇𝙚𝒓𝙞𝒏𝙜 𝙛𝒂𝙢𝒊𝙡𝒊𝙚𝒔 𝒐𝙣 𝙩𝒉𝙞𝒔 𝒇𝙧𝒊𝙙𝒂𝙮 𝙞𝒏 𝒎𝙮 𝙅𝒖𝙢𝒎𝙖𝒉 𝑵𝙖𝒎𝙖𝒂𝙯!

The Theory of "Availability"

In market when a product is always available, it loses its credibility, luxury, and may be people won't be inclined to buy it much, for example, the famous Haleem is available during Ramzan in Hyderabad. There is so much demand in Ramzan that there is an outlet everywhere, people try haleem of all types from all places - relish it through out the month and forget about it, eagerly waiting for next Ramzan. Haleem is also available in offseason at selective outlets but is not as good - so in the festive season it's widely available and consumed, exported and crores are earned. Now imagine Haleem is widely available in all the seasons and people are always buying it. There are haleem outlets everywhere through out the year & it's available online , in offline outlets, cloud kitchens and so on ....Would people still love having it? Would it have the same demand it usually has? It's questionable isn't it? This post is not really about haleem. I am just using it as an example and apply it to the real life and people!

Through out my teens and twenties I was always available for people. I still am - but of late the kind of behavioral exhibitions and transformations, I see in people , the mental overwhelm of it all - make me totally question my own behavior? How much of availability is too much? Does too much availability make you lose your credibility? Makes you look like a fool? Makes you feel like being used? Let's talk about it!

A health crisis in my life and the kind of talks or behaviors I experienced after that, triggered this post. I got chronic spondylitis/ disc bulge, followed by excruciating pain and sleepless nights which made me promptly apply for sick leaves, and I tried different types of treatments , underwent MRI , realized the disc bulge is little more than in previous years. First I avoided MRi but then I had to go for it after an extreme pain episode on the day of Ramzan, on the same night had to rush to ER for pain management. 

After MRI, neuro visit and multiple ayurveda sessions - even now pain is only bearable- it didn't disappear. It may take a while - the doc told. Now that while could be a month to 3 months! However in this period, like any usual human - all I wanted was some uplifting talks , some positivity, some physical help and moral boost. Most of it - the family does yes, but at times having a good circle of friends who could talk anything and everything to you - helps. I do have couple of such friends but they are also fighting their battles and most moved abroad and their physiology and psychology probably everything about them changed 😬 and talks don't usually happen, at times there is also timezone issue. Nothing wrong here and no blame gaming, it's just that our ideas, ideologies completely differ when a person moves out to a new place , adapts to new set of conditions and new life style. Sadly even if you once were quite close to them - you suddenly feel that they are not aligning with your mind or they are not vibing with u ( in the genz slang), so u maintain a good/cordial but not really a close relationship. Trust me - I have tried it...now even before finishing the post, please don't shove that OVERTHINKING label into my throat. I think therefore I am, I think and talk and therefore I am penning down this. I am sure 90% of people push such uncomfortable feelings under the carpet.....but I usually don't. What's the joy of speaking only comforting words, optimistic gyaan and not the realities??

I was not active on my usual social networks or Instagram for 15-20 days of that pain period, other than the occasional movie or series review I post, on FB or in a close knit group mostly! I must say I was not actually feeling positive or peppy or acknowledging others troubles and worries like I usually do ...and I have been doing this a lot for years ....so may be it's a break point for me and I couldn't be positive or optimistic . ...and essentially couldn't check any Instagram posts or forwards - which is the only silly stupid way of talking or "communicating" for the most. You at this point may feel I am spiraling or over stimulated or triggered - the famous words neuro doctors use to explain your anxiety! But I will explain you why?? Imagine a person is in deep shit and opens Instagram and sees a workplace fun video or corporate shit video or some other string of ten videos - may be he saw, may be he didn't - but he/she may not be really in that mode to acknowledge or haha it. OK , there is no fair chance that you may know about it but now imagine that the sick person has categorically stated about the sickness but the other person keeps sending series of videos so much so that you end up acknowledging atleast few , hoping they don't feel bad. Ya , ya , I think much about others and seldom about me but today seems like a good time to think about me!! And this post is not really about insta reels or fwds! Sending videos is not bad - For god's sake we all need memes, forwards as stress busters to sail through some shitty days ,send - pls send to me as much multimedia as you like ! I do that too...🙌🙌

source: here

But, the indifference --- the silence of the indifference echos too loud, so loud that you also reciprocate it and become indifferent , less reactive, less responsive. Remember you were very available , very responsive and empathetic till day - isn't it? I think workplaces are different, we still have to adjust to the chaotic and robotic faces around us who at times make us like them..however when you gave much, when you tried to inculcate some good vibes in team - it hurts, it hurts to still be around all non reactive folks. 

Its also a possibility that even if a resource is dead , "it" can be replaced with another resource in no time by corporates! So taking care of your well-being is only and only in your hands. Don't fall for the useless wellbeing mails or programs! When there is corporate tag to it even a psychologist is more commercial and means business, than actually being ambitious towards making you getting better....

Be it any kind of place, for an emotional person like me it feels highly unbelievable, when compatriots/ Neighbors/ friends etc., to whom u were nice/available, close enough, start behaving extremely indifferent. Suppose thinking may be you can, you mention that - to get better you are extending leaves or when you say that you had to rush to ER for an injection or when you say anything and everything which has been a crisis to you - you are met with silence or the "OK" or some times just a like or emoticon by people who follow attachment detachment philosophy as their religion, or are well equipped with formal replies. I will take a pause here and want to kick hard in the ass of the person who discovered the option to just like the messages with a thumbs up or other emoticons👍🏻😊. I hate it coz it comes across as disinterest & borderline selfishness, words are typed only when it's a matter of the opposite person's interest. PHEW! Seriously a new ethics book should come on online communication, and usage of emojis!

Empathy is lost ...and with all kind of generations mixed up, it always feels there is a flood of selfishness with a rare, teeny weeny thought about others , and that also happens when there is something to be done by them for you or if there is a common crisis ( and this is common across all generations. No one deserves to steal the credit😛) ! It all means business I guess. Yes I am being very straight forward , very vulnerable, but this is my space and I am finally allowed to vent and have this monologue ;-)

So when I go back to work from my medical leave and I post a senti note conveying thanks for the support provided in my absence and that I hope to get much better soon, on a lighter note - the only person who reacted and responded is my manager - 😆 , even if she needs to be formal and professional - I really felt from all the questions she asked, that she at least hopes I genuinely get better soon - and empathized even in mid of her crazy schedule, so ya thanks to her! Doing that being just a colleague, and having no bonding whatsoever is also not easy, even if it means just for work delegation! No body else reacts, or replies or asks a question- not even out of curiosity! Work - we always have it, work woes also we always have it. I had responded to people when I was submerged in truck loads of shit, so may be I expect the same and face a facepalm moment. Felt a bit embarrassing, but being the outright straight from the heart kind of person I am - I just posted that note, quite transparently. If I keep holding thoughts inside me, it doesn't do me much good. Anyway coming back to the present situation, I am trying to just keep it till business, immediately logoff after my work hrs, get my treatment done, and just trying to have more me time and to not have nerves all over the place by over working, getting over stimulated or triggered ( in doctors words)! I am still a work in progress when it comes to ignoring all who do me more harm than help mentally!

Khaled Hosseini says in Kite runner, "that is the problem with people who do what they say, they think others would do the same too". I think it is in the same lines ( image below). That line hit me like a tsunami wave and felt so raw and real for people like me. Aren't the expectations from others the main demons, that destroy our peace ???? I understood your words Khaleid, and in the present decade it's more true. Reciprocation is a rare occurrence!

source : here

I am still glad I have my parents, some close friends - with whom I can vent out, and a silliest leisurely activity like an anonymous question game on Instagram made me happy coz there are well wishers around us, people who like us, inspired by us and love us.

The great art of any human is to know when to tone down, when to fine tune or when to be unfiltered - just knowing these would help you in conquering the world, really! But is it really an easy art? Circling back to my Haleem theory and the question I raised - how much availability is too much ??, I want to list down few tips which are truly from my experiences. It may differ for you but atleast one or two may be tad bit helpful, so dig in:

How I wish...

How I wish that the kids with biggest hearts never grow....

How I wish we reap the benefits of the wisdom seeds they sow!

How I wish pure and trusted - it always stays, that love!

How I wish the wonderment in eyes and the joy in the heart stays intact as a treasure trove!

How I wish the fantasies we nurtured never turned to realities 

How I wish we didn't have to face the adulting cruelties

A lie - a sham which every one says that once you grow you can have it all...

And that once you grow - you decide your life and can make a call!

How I wish, the precious childhood could always stay

How I wish I stopped for once the roles I play 

How I wish the world to always be easy, happy and we could let things slide!!

How I wish I could talk to someone and feel like I can be myself and never feel tired!

How I wish at least one person conversed attentively feeling happy and engaged!

How I wish when we are sad, we don't have to get dismissed!

How I wish the child in me was once in a while acknowledged,

How I wish it would have been easier to share, talk a lot, or shed a tear - if at all someone listened !

How I wish we never grew, and stayed warm in the childhood cocoon

Should I be happy, that childhood is the only boon where I was always over the moon!

The cocoon breaks and the butterfly comes out in vibrant hues!

But how I wish to feel that cocooned warmth just once again till they end - "the blues"!

Dear Uruz Bhayya,

I wanted to write a letter to you, to preserve what all I am feeling in this blog post and to really get it out of my system and feel better. It is an open secret that writing is a cathartic process for people like me. However I am not sure if I can ever get what all I am feeling out of my system, but I can definitely make the load slightly lighter may be? Few days back when one from our cousins asked to reminisce some good old memories with you, I was totally blank! Completely blank because of all the recent past happenings and the struggle and fight which I closely witnessed. I poked my head and twisted my mind to recollect at least one memory but was feeling numb. With lot of difficulty I recollected some random memory and shared in that group, however I felt I didn't do justice to our bond or memories, hence this letter - a trial to reminisce few unforgettable, fun moments!

Do you remember those random summer days, when we used to huddle together under the shade of a neem or coconut tree in the grandmas backyard or our backyard in Ongole, and discuss anything and everything under that light blue dusky evening sky? My most favorite part was discussion of ghosts and spirits. I vividly remember how you along with your accomplices, scared me by throwing some seeds through window while I was alone in the bedroom and I screamed till my lungs exploded. Those were the days of Zee horror show (an Indian channel serial) and it took long to subside my fears. 

You calling me "Afshu," echoes in my ears. I never remember anybody addressing me as Afshu so effortlessly like how you do. Not even my parents call me with that name often. I used to feel good like a pampered sister whenever I hear Afshu from you! I know there is one more Afshan in the family, and hence to avoid confusion you may have picked Afshu - Says the logical person in you ...but I also know that the warmth or emotion you felt towards me as a big brother was unmissable! 

Ages back, whenever we visited your place during holidays, it always used to be so happening - You picking us from the bus stop and taking us around the city, making us taste the delicacies - from the mere "hari boot"  (a type of chickpea that is popular in Hyderabad) at Charminar during shopping, to the Gokul chat and also the HALEEM of Hyderabad. As I didn't like haleem you were puzzled. I loved all those visits, our animated talks, shopping till sun sets and at times late nights during certain cousin's wedding. I thoroughly enjoyed all those moments though I dont exactly remember the words!

 Like they say "baatein bhool jaate hai, yaadein yaad aate hai!"

Pulling each other's legs, having great food, doing shopping, going to movies and so on used to be our ritual whenever we meet. Your ignited passion to introduce everything that is best in Hyderabad used to feel good. The dynamism and happy smile always felt  contagious.

You were one of the very few who was genuinely happy when I secured district 1st and state 5th in my Xth standard. Similarly I felt your encouragement and applause when I successfully came out of the very tough Infosys Long cycle training. I know for a fact that some success stories and happy news cant be shared with everyone, but I was sure that you would be glad on hearing my progress. We all as a big group went to Alanktrita resorts in Hyderabad to celebrate my come back and clicked many fun pics. If I start digging in to my hard disk drive to check the old pictures, I may really get lost in time & thoughts and it would be tough to come back to present. Hence I am not going there. NOT YET!

How can I forget all our silly stories, outings and movie crushes we all had - your big crush being Manisha Koirala. You were so fond of her that in a wedding of common cousin when we teased you with a pretty girl you showed least interest , pointing to the girl next to her - saying that she resembles Manisha! I believe I still have the photograph of those girls and all of us sitting on stage. 90s , Hyderabad visits, and winter weddings were a heady mixture - extremely enjoyable!

If I travel little more back in time - when I was very small and you were may be mere 15-16 in early 90s when you stayed in Kothagudem and we visited, I remember I enjoyed the stay so much...specially I was mesmerized by hybrid roses, silkworm rearing, coal mines, and Bathukamma festival of Telangana happening there then. You all are pet lovers and am not much. You used to laugh whenever I run and hide seeing your dog - was it's name Tito?? I don't remember now! We all were such a close knit group. We had our common gossips, inside jokes , talks about books , movies, so on and so forth! 

Time and life have happened. Meeting each other became little less - as we all were finding our ways to cope with life's curve balls, college, exams, careers, finding a partner, and so on....by God's grace all of us settled well to a good extent! After finishing my college, We all shifted to Hyderabad and I felt glad that we got a chance to meet more often than we thought we could. I vividly remember how you once asked me, "hey can u apply this hot oil on my head" ( If my memory is right, you were having a bad headache) and in absence of your sisters you asked me in the TV area - a cozy space up the stairs in your old house where we all used to sit , watch and chat away. I happily obliged and applied oil on your head - may be the little moments like these made me feel that you are almost next to my own brother! Our zandu balm addiction, mannerisms, restless feet syndrome (where you are always moving one of your foot just like your dad, my dad and me) even while sitting still are all some commonalties😃 - I thought that probably because we have common ancestry even dad side, some behavioral traits seem similar!

Death

Death - when it knocks the door..

Would you even get a chance to understand what's in-store?

Death - when it knocks the door...

Will you not wish to live, laugh and love little more than before?

 

The eyes of a lifeless soul seem to have abandoned this clueless world and be in peace

The living eyes of the loving ones - would they ever be at ease?

Time heals - they all say, even the wounds which are dark and deep 

Without remembering the life with in her, will those eyes of the mother ever sleep??

For the revival of the life and for the return of the child, yearns the heart of a mother...

A mere memory of her child freshens the wounds and the misery attacks in one form or other!

Seeing and going through the grief - she wishes that not even an enemy should go through the same!

And who can explain why and what of this never ending pain?

A father tries to manage it all, talking, greeting, and swallowing the nothingness

He gives one long lasting look at the peacefully sleeping angelic soul

Hoping it all to be a dream and wishing the child to wake up with usual giggles and smiles on the face!

Who will explain to him the game of the death by God, that seems all foul?

The tears dry, and the pain gets deeply absorbed in every muscle and vein

The people leave, after uttering same set of comforting words, to live and continue their routine!

When the house becomes empty, would not every messy corner act as a painful reminder?

Of that gentle soul who was happy, more understanding than an adult and always kinder!

We all say prayers for the departed soul, while we know that this is not the fair play...

A heart wonders - How come the criminals and sinners continue to live each and every day?

Where as a soul that harmed none was so drastically taken away...

What will lessen this emptiness and pain now - who can possibly say?

source: here

When death really knocked the door...

I wish it atleast was able to meet the eyes of this pure being.

I wish that it explained the reason and just answered everything!

Death would also have mourned this demise and felt helpless as it followed the behest!

They say truth that the smallest of the coffins are the heaviest...

PS: A little child whom I knew well suddenly passed away and we all are still not able to come to terms with it. May God give strength to the whole family to heal!

"When God Spoke to Me!"

Is it for the love of God, you do what you do?

Or is it your hunger to wake up something sleeping within you?

What do you mean to do with these new wings of power?

Do you want to scream the greatness of the God standing on a tall tower?

There is only one God for all of us, as it is famously said!

Does that God understand your deep devotions and the efforts laid?

What do you think he is doing from up above the world?

Is he glad, euphoric, or feeling that there is still more to be done and told!?

Yesterday God came into my dream and whispered a few blessings in my ear!

He sat next to me and caressed my forehead, the dream felt so real!

I asked him, "Which God are you?," as I felt I didn't know him.

He chuckled, "Not which! Ask me Why I am here?" suddenly sounding so grim!

"You humans pray to me, please me, and offer me so much!

As you work crazily to project me as the best, are you aware of what you are doing to each?

If you are so passionate about your God, inculcate in yourself - inclusivity and empathy...

I live in each one of you, and not in a shrine or in the sun or the sky conversing through telepathy!

Next time you feel all devotional, try to look deep into the unwavering eyes of a child

The eyes pose a million questions - as to who and what they are?

Thanks to the divisiveness you created among them - they form a very early identity!

They believe what they see and what they are told, as to who is who's deity!

Next time when you need a favor and want me near you, think about the misfortunes and misery gripping the globe!

Know the facts around you, not the hypotheses - Try to probe!

Nothing matters to me when the world is indifferent and blind to few and wide-eyed in awe for few!

No miracle would work until you double-faced hypocrites are bound to destroy and strew!

You could build me golden walls, and walk me all around the earth

You could install me in every nook and corner, but still, there will be a dearth...

You put your life at stake for me, fighting over the blood, bones, and the carcasses

You dig me out deep from the Mother Earth's belly and resurrect me, thinking it will clear your own mess

Beware that nothing matters till you learn what love and devotion in real mean!

Till you learn to live as humans, does it really matter whether your God is heard or unheard, seen or unseen?!"

As the last question rang in my ears, and as dawn cracked...

I woke up in disbelief as the feeling of God stayed with me, but he disappeared!

Yet again I start my day with my work and things...

Yet again I realize, it is not God whom I dislike, it is his fans' association and their doings!!!

Not sure of the source but I just love this quote. As per info on GoodReads, it is by A.B. Potts

P.S. On a related or may be not-so-related note, do watch this movie - Bruce Almighty, if you haven't already. You won't regret it.

A WAR

In the midst of a meaningless battle, a war unfolds,

Not in the attacker's mind, but the one who is attacked and holds,

The weight of this conflict they never chose,

A war in their hearts, where the numbness and nothingness rose!

The soldier in the field, with a bomb, rifle and a blade,

Kills millions, shatters countless souls with the choices made!

In the midst of the chaos, a war silently laid,

Between willful actions and a conscience swayed.

A mother and father, in sorrow's cruel grip,

Hugging their child's lifeless form, they weep,

A war in their souls, as hope takes a leap,

'To breathe life into the one they wish to keep!!'

Innocent children, their questions abound,

Why war's cruel hand on their lives was found?

A war in their hearts, a plea to the world's ground,

To understand their mistakes and the ways to fix them, their voices resound!

In our minds, a war, a divisive divide,

Where unity crumbles, and we can't decide,

How many wars to end this internal tide??

To say, "It's enough," on this chaotic ride...